Hostess Rant

Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows that dealing with customers can be one of the most frustrating, infuriating experiences in life. Movies like "Waiting" and books like "Waiter Rant" have managed to shed some light onto the subject of restaurant etiquette, but a lot of their focus is on tipping.

I am a hostess, and while some restaurants pay the hosts tip-share, this is not the case in the restaurant where I work. I am paid hourly, and as such, it matters very little to my rent check whether or not the guests know how to tip. All the same, I find myself extremely irritated with our "valued guests" because most of them seem to have no idea how to behave in a restaurant.

But don't worry. I am here to help. Some tips/pointers/rules for dining out:

- Greet the host/hostess. The very first thing I said to you was "Hello," "Welcome," or "How are you doing?" Your response should be some sort of reciprocal greeting, i.e. "Hi," "Thank you" or "I am doing well." It is extraordinarily rude to disregard my greeting by ignoring it altogether, or making your first words to me "Two. Booth."

- Do not attempt to seat yourself. Do you see a host stand? Do you see a uniformed employee standing in the lobby smiling politely at you? I am here for a reason. They are paying me to do a job, most of which involves leading you to a table. Do not walk past me. If for some reason I am not at the front door when you arrive, do not assume that means you can seat yourself. This is not Burger King. If you would like to choose your own table, there is a food court at the mall with a wide selection of tables to choose from.

- When I ask you how many people are in your party, please know the answer to this question. I absolutely will look at you like you are a total moron if you don't.

- Pursuant to the a fore mentioned issue, please include your children in your head count. For example, if you are dining out with your spouse and your child, then the number of people in your party is three, NOT two. Your child is a person, they will be requiring a seat. Unless you intend for them to stand beside your table and watch you eat, you need to include them in your party.

- Do not, under any circumstances or for any reason bring your stroller into a restaurant. Most restaurants are not equipped to accommodate something as large as today's "travel systems." We have high chairs, booster seats, and baby slings. If your child is awake and sitting up in her stroller, she is undoubtedly equally capable of sitting up in a high chair. If she is sleeping, leave her in her carrier, or leave her at home.

- If you would like to request a specific seat/table/location/server/section, you have EXACTLY ONE opportunity to do so, and that is at the host stand, before you are seated. For example, if you would like to sit in a booth, do NOT wait until I have taken you all the way to a table and set the menus down before you ask me for a booth. You knew when you walked through the door that you wanted to sit in a booth; ask me for it at the door, or sit wherever I take you. But do not make me walk all over the damned restaurant.

- Know that I have a system that dictates the order in which I seat tables. I don't just go wherever I choose; there's a method to the madness. It's called rotation. I won't bore you with the details of how it works, but you should be aware that whatever table I take you to is the table that was next on my rotation. It was not a personal slight. I was not trying to insult you by seating you near the bathrooms, or near the kitchen, or next to a screaming child. If you pull a face that says "How dare you deign to seat me at this lowly table," expect that I will be equally as rude while I take you to a table that is more to your liking.

- It's very likely going to irritate me if you ask to move to a different table. DO NOT under any circumstances ask me to move more than once. You don't like your table? Fine. I'll be happy to move you. But once I move you, you are required by the laws of etiquette to stay at that table, no matter what. Moving once is obnoxious, moving twice is high maintenance and I will be glaring and rolling my eyes at your highness as I relocate you for the umpteenth time.

- Do not move yourself. Even though it's going to irritate me if I have to move you, it's going to irritate me even more if you get up and move yourself without asking. It is one of the rudest things you can do in a restaurant. So don't do it.

- If you are meeting someone at the restaurant, you need to make arrangements to do so prior to your arrival. Do not come in and give me some vague description of the person you are meeting and then expect me to know where they are. You know what they look like -- YOU go find them. Even better? Call them. Welcome to 2010. Everyone has a cell phone. Whip yours out when you pull into the parking lot and ask your friend if they have already arrived, and if they have already been seated. I am a hostess, not your personal valet.

- Speaking of cell phones, do not come up to the host stand while you are on your phone. Stand aside until you've finished your call and THEN you can come and ask me for a table. Would you find it incredibly rude if I tried to seat you while I was talking to someone on my cell phone? I thought so. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

- Call ahead. If you are in a hurry, or if you would simply like to be seated quickly, call the restaurant ahead of time and find out if you can make reservations or do call ahead seating. If you can, then do so. If you can't (my restaurant does neither reservations nor call ahead seating), then DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WAIT. If waiting for a table is that bothersome for you, then you are more than welcome to find a restaurant that takes reservations, and have your dinner there, instead.

- If you are planning to dine out with a large group, you need to call the restaurant to make arrangements before you arrive. Do not simply show up with 25 people at 7:00 on a Saturday night and expect to be seated in a timely fashion. When calling, if the restaurant tells you they cannot accommodate your party at one table, please choose a different restaurant. While you are welcome to split up at separate tables, you know it is going to be a pain in the ass. Chose a restaurant that was built to accommodate large parties, and take your group there instead. It will be easier on the staff, and you will likely receive better service and have a better time.

- If the restaurant is busy and I put your name down on a waiting list, you need to listen very carefully to everything I say. When I tell you how long it is going to be before your table is ready, you need to look at your watch. If it is 6:30 and I tell you that your wait will be approximately 30 to 45 minutes, you DO NOT get to come back to the host stand and ask me how much longer it will be until 7:15. If you ask me before then, expect the most exasperated answer I am capable of, because that is what you will get.

- Be aware that smaller parties are easier to accommodate than larger parties. Most of the tables in restaurants are made to seat 4 or fewer guests. This is true at almost every restaurant I can think of. I'm glad that you and your spouse have 3 lovely children, and I'm sure you love them all. However, when you had that third baby, you relegated your family to a destiny of longer wait times in restaurants. Don't be surprised if you see parties that came in after you getting seated before you, if they have 4 or fewer people in their party. And don't come up to the host stand and ask me why they were seated before you, either. You weren't skipped, I just don't have a table that seats 5 available right now.

- Know that my ability to seat you relies entirely upon the tables available. If I have not seated you yet, it is because there is no table available. If there is no table available, it is because the other guests have yet to vacate said table. If I have under-quoted your wait time, please accept my deepest apologies and then SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN. Yelling at me is not going to make a table become available any faster, and neither is asking to speak to the manager. Even the almighty manager can't make an open table materialize out of thin air. I promise that I do not have some secret table that is clean and ready that I am simply withholding from your for my own perverse pleasure. When a table becomes available, I will seat you. If you can't wait until then, you are welcome to leave.

These are just the things I can think of now, off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more, which I will add in the future. For now: read, enjoy, and take pleasure in the knowledge that your next trip to a restaurant is likely to be more satisfactory for you AND the people serving you. You're welcome.